So sleepy... but a somewhat OK weekend.  Sometimes, I don't understand why things have to end up the way they end up.  I felt sad for my friend who had lost her mother this past Friday.... it was shocking to hear her passing....  but she is holding up good (cried when I hugged her yesterday after service)....   Mother's day was just an ordinary day.... except my mom has a new toy (an ipad 2).... so jealous.  Though I'm not too crazy about it.

Gave my mom a practical gift -- flowers, cash and a card.  I also went shopping with her on Saturday before we went out to dinner in Flushing.  I was a bit concerned earlier in the morning when the flowers didn't show up -- but when I arrived home, they were by my door (smart, Fedex people).  I breathed a sigh of relief since it would be a pain to pick it up (no car)...... my mom liked it.... but she couldn't take them -- so, they are at my apartment.  She took the good tasty chocolates that came along with it.

Though I sometimes don't feel the same treatment with that from my sister.... it always seems that she gets the way.... though I don't think I should complain (it just makes me a little depressed that she is around since she got married).  Can't spend too much time like usual.... but all a phase. 

Anyhow, I rec'd little sleep this weekend.  Tomorrow morning, I have an early "meeting" with another job.  I don't expect much response since it is not what I expected.  I'll just go for the sake of going... and find out if it is for me.  Will see.  No high expectations.

Tonight will sleep a little early.... prayers.

Just about a month away from retreat time.... I am all nervous since I have not prepped any notes for the worship slot (I'm in charge for closing ceremony only).... but I don't think any of the other teams have lifted a song (except the pianists hopefully).  I'm not going to worry too much about it now since I have PPT stuff to finish up (and haven't started doing the slideshow for the song I will lead -- I really can't do anything until more than half of the retreat has surpassed)... it will be a late nighter on 6/9 for me -- but all for good intentions (I hope).  I really need to focus a little bit regarding elections.

I don't think I will hand a letter for fellowship staff candidacy this year.... there has been a note that was sent to me from a member of my small group (the one when I mis-understood her back from the hot pot situation)... that really perturbed me.  When I finished reading her email, I was (at first) upset since been putting effort in taking care of the group (seemed whatever I was doing went down the drain to her).... but I also know she has a depressed condition since her treatment.  Her feelings of anger have enveloped in her message about the fellowship.  I know I can't really solve anything since God should oversee the process --- and that is who we are serving (not people).... but I reall have no intentions to respond......  but it really hurts when I try my best to care for this person, and she just complains.... what more can I do?  How should I treat this person from this point on?  She had mentioned that she will not attend fellowship in the next several weeks..... being that she wasn't on the ballot (she could've just asked the advisors to see if she can be eligible)..... but she chose to flee away.  My feelings have been quite indifferent after reading her message.  I see that on her FB she is floating away from fellowship, and doing other things that mean a lot to her...... that is not pleasing attitude.... and I don't know what to say at this point. 

Anyhow, I'm feeling better writing it out.... sometimes, the bottled feelings make me miserable.... and it shouldn't.  No matter what, I believe I tried my best this whole year gearing the small group according to His Will and Word (we don't just eat and drink and be merry)...... that should be our purpose.  I had no real goals for our small group except to regain fellowship with one another and be able to use God's word in our daily life.  It may have helped or it may have not helped...... whatever it be, will be.  Have another four months to go for small group until another term......

I also need to figure juggling (2) big ministry opportunities at church..... and it will not be easy task.  One is church fellowship dept ... and the other is for pastoral search (since a lot of PS need to be hired)....  the latter is something I can more or less be involved (since I'm only doing searches and taking notes --- and there is progress).... and do intend to join Christmas choir this year..... man, I really need strength and wisdom in handling these ministries. 

Personally, I don't feel like moving a button.... so tired (and it's all the rain's fault)..... but will see how things go after talking/sorting it all out. 

Prayers.

Cinco de Mayo -- usually would be in the mood for guacamole and Corona lights.... but just am not up to it at the moment.  So tired.  So sick and tired of the "face" I have to put up with work --- and feel glad for some who have decided to take a "break" from the office crazies.... just to think it out.  If I have a chance, I'd rather just jump out of the whole scenario to something better.............  still hoping and praying for that opportunity.

So, another round of talks regarding new fellowship year's staffs.... I'm still deciding, and a bit worried since my emotional state has not been stable (with all that is going on with work).... I think I'm sick of myself for venting.... but if I don't vent, I remain sobbing in my sorrows (I think that I've sobbed enough)..... and I think I'm making my peers sick of my venting.  So, what do I do??  I really don't have any excuse in the upcoming year not to serve in fellowship (except I am juggling two serving roles in church).... I'm so confused.  I was a bit confused after hearing PT's workshop on "why I should not be afraid of serving?"  I don't know...... I have one more week before I submit a letter (by next Friday). 

Spending time with mom today.... hope that we don't argue and just plain resting.  Also continue with prepping worship PPT for retreat.  Fiddling around with backgrounds (and also taking a break prepping PPT for regular fellowship meetings).

My finger is getting better -- but still on the black side.  Feels funny since typing makes it numb.... guess, another sign to rest up.

Prayers... enjoying a restful weekend ahead.  Ramble later.  Peace!  

Small group went well yesterday (except things went a little out of hand with our discussion)....  I didn't want to make it too boring -- but we talked about Proverbs and the topic was "taming your tongue"....  it was so hard taming people's mouths since we don't think before we say anything (kept me laughing the comments they made -- and some points I should've controlled the time).  So, this was a reminder to our small group.... but it turned really loud & wild, especially the news about Hong Kong's "new" guy and many other current events issues (hey, I have a CNN member who knows everything)....  I guess the topic never ceased until they left my house.  All was good.  Though really interesting how they all keep in touch with news around the world.  Below is our candid group shot:

group shot

Food prep went well ...  some errors here and there... but have plenty of food.  One member came with a pot full of mussels in white wine (though I'd prefer clams)... anyhow, we were all stuffed since we had lunch not so many hours ago.  Otherwise, everyone left at around 7:45pm (not bad)... and had plenty of food.

Cleaned up, showered and went to bed.  So tired.........  my finger behaved, but still healing.

Today's retreat meeting was somewhat "hot" since talked about people (again, my lesson yesterday went out the door)....  I tried to calm my SG partner (since we are co-leaders and in the retreat committee), but she couldn't stop (I had to reign her down and literally calm her down).  And the flame shot out the door with what I had said yesterday.  She was too much...... but she was fine after the meeting.  Of course, she doesn't take to heart.  I left church at around 5pm, took the subway (another mistake since trains were messed up).... ate dinner, did some laundry and resting. 

Weekend flew.  Tomorrow is day of toil (and hopefully some job searching again)..... also started to prep new backgrounds for retreat worship power points.....  just wish the week will be smooth and fly again to Friday....

Prayers.

Almost Friday... and finished my food shopping list for this coming Saturday.  I have the stuff brought and stored.... will be busy (as usual) Friday night after fellowship until after midnight.... and still prepping my discussion stuff.  I also accomplished another style cheesecake last night .... hope they like it.

Work is blah..... been idle for the past two days.  No complaints since I sit and get paid.... been doing job searches and still idle with that matter.... no other comments to report.

Last night I was watching the film 志明 與春嬌... it was OK (wouldn't rave the film).  Typical love hate type of feeling in any relationship.  Though a lot of cursing and cussing --- typical but nothing unusual.  The one cut I liked about the film was the ending.... if needed, the woman doesn't let go of her love hate relationship and seems to take commitment always ... but at least the guy admits his pitfall (not growing up/maturing in the relationship).

Finger feeling a bit better (still hurts)... and I find it really hard typing with nine fingers.  Treasure your ten fingers.... still surviving though.... I apologize to the subway people whom I sit around (may have smelled the herbal medicine that I cover).... oh well, anything to get better.